Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Our Loss

Bryan, Landon and I went to the doctor yesterday morning. We were hoping to show Landon the baby. Dr. N couldn't find the babies heart beat using the doppler, so we headed down the hall to do an ultrasound. Finally doing an internal ultrasound, Dr. N found the baby, but I could see as soon as it came up that there was no fluttering where the heart should be. Dr. N searched for a while, then he measured the baby...he only measured 9 weeks.

By then I was already bawling and shaking. Landon kept telling me over and over, "Don't cry Mama, don't be sad."

The doctor and nurse were very comforting, I tried to pay attention to everything they were saying.

But through all of it, there really wasn't shock. I think I knew something wasn't right. I know I'd mentioned that thought to my friends, always with the thought that I was over-reacting. I just felt it. But even having that feeling...couldn't prepare me for the emotions I'm going through now.

I am taking medication to "help" progress the miscarriage. Those and some good pain pills. Which barely help with the cramping and can offer no help with the emotions. This is one of the hardest things I've had to do, and I have absolutely no control over any of it.

But I know I'm blessed. I'm blessed to have Landon already. And I'm blessed to have Bryan, I haven't even taken the time to ask how he is...I've just let him take care of me. I'm blessed to have family, my mom flew down last night and I've had calls and emails from so many. I'm blessed to have friends who I know love me and also know that I need time alone, to heal. I'm blessed with so, so, so many things.

And I'm blessed that God was able to take my baby without letting it suffer. And for that I'm most thankful.

I found a wonderful quote today:

"Never in our arms, but forever in our hearts."